18 Signs That You’re at an Awful Barbecue
Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer, and that means it’s time for one of our favorite things: grilling. Sometimes, however, what should be such a simple process can go horribly wrong.
Grilling a burger or a steak might seem like an easy, straightforward event—after all, it’s how cavemen managed to cook food for themselves for millenia. But cooking meat over an open fire pit is actually a fairly precise science that requires timing, technique and, above all else, wisdom. These are things that not every Joe Schmo at the grill has, even if he does have a World’s Best BBQ Chef apron on. Here are some signs you should watch out for if you’re at a Memorial Day grilling party this weekend:
- The cook has no eyebrows.
- The person cooking the meat is crying and referring to all the steaks by name.
- They baste the meat in barbecue sauce with a paint roller.
- They hunted the meat for the burgers themselves and advise everyone that they still might have some “rat poison” in them.
- You bite into a burger and break your tooth on a dog collar.
- The host keeps asking you what size roasting spit you wear.
- It’s hosted by a cat hoarder who needs to “make some space.”
- The invitation asks you to RSVP with your name, phone number and side dish you think you would taste best with.
- It’s sponsored by PETA.
- Somehow, the meat put up quite a fight as the host was grilling it.
- The cook remarks, “You know it’s true. There really is more than one way to skin a cat.”
- The “ham” in your sandwich is actually just a strawberry flavored Fruit-Roll-Up.
- The host thinks Corn Pops are a side dish.
- The cook works for the coroner and keeps joking about how he’s always “bringing too much work home with him.”
- The cook’s apron reads, “I’d rather be killing, I mean grilling. Yeah that’s what I said — grilling.”
- He keeps referring to the meat as “Charlie.”
- The host’s kid keeps asking everyone if they’ve seen his pet hamster.
- The steak has tire marks on it.