5 Annoying Things Pet Owners Do on Facebook
Now that the election is over, we can go back to being annoyed by the usual stuff on Facebook — Farmville updates, the unceasing stream of invites to comedian friends’ weekly shows, pictures that promise “likes” will somehow generate something for somebody somewhere … and everybody’s pets. We get that you’re sad and lonely (that’s why we’re on Facebook all the time too), but personifying your ferret Molly so it seems like you have one IRL friend is bad and should make you feel bad. Here are hands down the five most annoying things pet owners do on Facebook. Seriously, they’re almost bad enough to make us pick up a book.
Posting updates in their “pets’ voice”
Science has yet to develop a keyboard that allows animals to type their deepest thoughts and ruminations on daily life. That’s because even if keys were “paw friendly,” animals don’t have the cognitive capacity to form full sentences or even words. And even if they could, they wouldn’t talk about the “cutest wittle haiwrcut” they got at the groomer or the adorable “cuddly wuddly costume” they wore for Halloween. They would read more like hostage letters that were tied to a rat and set loose through a hole in the compound’s wall in the hopes that someone would find it and save them from their hellish domesticated nightmare.
Post status messages talking to their pets as if their pets are checking Facebook
Pets also can’t read. If that sounds shocking to you, you either are a pet owner guilty of committing this social networking sin or you were trained to read by a dog. Either way, seek professional help immediately.
List their pet’s sexual orientation
The only thing worse than making a Facebook page for your pet is giving them a sexual orientation. We don’t need, nor want, to know if your Pomeranian is bi-curious. Maybe his tail just wags for everyone. This goes double for people who list themselves “in a relationship” with their pet.
Wishing their pet happy birthday via Facebook
Ignoring the obvious fact that animals don’t use the internet, wishing your pet a happy birthday through Facebook is wrong mainly because it’s the lazy way out. Really want to celebrate Mr. Chips turning five? Throw him a doggy birthday party instead of a status update sent from your iPhone. Certainly he’s more important to you than your weird coworker you feel obligated to publicly wish happy birthday.
Treating your pet like it’s your child
You may love your pet. They may be the center of your life. But as much as we don’t want to hear about your daughter’s eating disorder, we really really don’t want to hear about your dog’s explosive diarrhea. Get him a few doggy treats and leave the whiny Facebook statuses for a therapist.
— Written by Dan Seitz, Danny Gallagher, Matthew Roulette and Emerald Catron