Last Man Standing — How to Survive a Honey Badger Attack
Last Man Standing are articles intended to help the average guy prepare for some of life’s oddest events. It’s just advice. It’s better than being clueless.
Thanks to Randall, and his exceedingly campy viral video, everyone should now know just how bat-turd crazy honey badgers actually are (in actions and not just in narration). In case you missed Randall’s enlightened take on the art of nature narration, check out the video below.
It seems that the honey badger is one tough little bastard, which begs the questions: How can a man avoid, or survive, a honey badger attack? Well, we’re glad you asked. Here are a few tips to get you through the worst of an assault, just in case one of these scrappers ever locks sight on you.
Honey badgers live in Africa, Asia and on the Arabian Peninsula. If you’re really losing sleep over the possibility of an attack, don’t travel to these locations. You don’t have to worry about a badger showing up at your door, delivering a pizza or something.
If you do happen to come across a honey badger while traveling, never corner the little critter. Honey badgers are tireless fighters. You’ll run out of steam way before the badger does. Think ‘Rocky Balboa,’ but with more heart, hopped up on speed.
Never try to pick one up with your hands. Their skin is extremely thick and loose. If you think you can grapple with a honey badger, you’re mad. It will simply turn around and rip off your face.
Honey badger skin is also amazingly tough. Hatches, knifes and spears won’t penetrate the hide very far, and only serve to irritate the badger further. If you absolutely have to kill one, use a gun, and aim for the head. Several shots are recommended.
Honey badgers will attack any living animal, especially when threatened. Leopards and lions know better than to mess with one of these fierce little fighters. If you’re thinking, “Aw, it’s just a fuzzy little badger, what can it possibly do to me?” you’re already a goner.
Stay on the ground
Never climb a tree to get away from a honey badger. They’re excellent climbers. With its razor-sharp teeth and claws, it will simply cut you to shreds on the perch where you cower.
So, the good news is that in your day-to-day life you’ll probably never run into a honey badger. The bad news is that if you do happen to cross paths with an irate member of this fearless species, you’re in some serious trouble. Hopefully you’ve got your best running shoes on. If not, unless you’re armed to the teeth, our money is on the badger.