No Way Ned — Hot Mess of the Day

Location: "My mom's basement for right now." (For forever.)

Achievements: First human to be diagnosed as an actual 'Never-Nude,' oldest living virgin.

Skills: Bladder control, avoiding temptation.

Hobbies: Collecting promise rings, attending abstinence support groups, and designing "clothing" that supports an abstinent lifestyle.

Who Wrapped Him: "A friend." (His mom.)

His Motto: “Virginity is like a savings account, and I have a great interest rate!" He refused to elaborate.