The 10 People You’ll Find in Every Coffee Shop
Coffee shops are entertainment hot spots. These places are chock-full of prime people-watching opportunities, because they’re not just for strict coffee-lovers anymore. Nowadays, we can get everything from mocha marble whatcha-ma-call-it lattes to chocolate-banana smoothie deliciousness at cafes, meaning all sorts of people make their way through coffee shops on a daily basis.
Have you ever noticed how amusing these places can be? They’re teeming with hilarious characters! Next time you’re hanging out in the local java joint, we guarantee you’ll spy some of these coffee house regulars.
THE FED-UP BARISTA
Between trying to shout orders over screaming children and attempting to froth milk to exactly 172 degrees for a caramel macchiato gone crazy, this barista reached her coffee house limit about 5 hours ago. She’s usually the sweet girl who always remembers our order and gives us an extra shot of espresso, just because. But when customers are giving her sass and she’s exceeded that tolerance level, boy does she give sass right back! This might involve anything from obvious eye-rolling to purposely heating milk to 170 degrees, not 172. So there! If we’re being completely honest here, we’d probably do much worse things in this situation, like nix the ‘spice’ in a pumpkin spice latte. Basically, things would get pretty crazy.
THE DAZED AND CONFUSED FIRST-TIMER
Let’s set the scene: a guy who’s never been to this coffee place before steps inside, and we can already feel the tension building. He’s looking around in a sort of wondrous stupor, having no idea how to navigate such a fragrant coffee land. Placing himself in line, the guy begins to squint really hard at the menu, curious as to what his options are. He steps up to the cashier and asks the most dreaded question for those waiting in line behind this poor guy: “what do you recommend?” This could take a while. “I think I’ll take the mocha frappuccino. No, wait– it’s a little chilly outside, so I think I’ll go for something hot. How’s that chai tea latte? It has tea in it? Nevermind, tea does weird things to my pee…” And so it continues.
THE SCREAMING KID
When it comes to any sort of public domain, there always has to be that screaming kid. You know who we mean. Mom just wants to get a coffee, but her kid feels compelled to scream at the top of his or her tiny, yet awfully powerful lungs. This mini monster behavior is usually spurred by a refusal on the parental side to get the child that cinnamon-sugar donut or chocolate-filled croissant. If there’s one thing we know about kids, it’s that they really, really love sugary stuff. When they’re denied that sweetness, they can easily make the surrounding environment pause for a few moments as they let out a blood-curdling scream. Don’t get us wrong– we love kids! It’s just that coffee houses are not the place to show off those impressive shrieking skills.
We’re creatures of habit, so grabbing coffee at the same spot, same time every morning is just a thing we have. Apparently, other people also share this habitual sense of comfort. You know that one guy who sits on the bench right outside our favorite coffee spot each morning? Most coffee spots need a bench-warmer; he’s the unofficial java greeter who we feel knows a lot more about us than we think. It makes us slightly uncomfortable at times, but the guy seems friendly enough. Although he does cause a major dilemma. At what point do we introduce ourselves? Does he recognize our full-on addiction to vanilla soy lattes? The bench-warmer plays tricks on our caffeine-induced minds.
THE SUPER LONG DRINK ORDERER
We’ve all experienced this seasoned coffee-goer. The order line is moving at a fairly fast pace, and then this person steps up to the register. The drink request begins with a simple, “I’ll have a caramel macchiato with no whip, please.” Ok–fair order. We step up for our cup of joe when we hear, “Add an extra shot of espresso to that, too. Can you also heat that milk up to 168 degrees? But keep the froth to a minimum, and splash in a little soy milk while you’re at it. When you drizzle the caramel on top, try and do a sort of zig-zag pattern so as to ensure caramel in every sip.” Although we hate to admit it, this ultra complicated drink order sounds so magical, we’re often tempted to order it for ourselves, just for kicks. Just not during the morning rush.
Few things are nicer on a Sunday morning than kicking back with a breakfast blend and the newspaper comics in our favorite local coffee shop. But at one point or another, our java bliss has been interrupted by that lady who stakes claim at the table right next to ours, and she’s brought a friend. Cue the over-sharer. This coffee shop regular uses the place as a gossiping venue, often exchanging far-too-personal information with her lady friend at a volume that hits just below a yell. We’re sure this chatty Patty is a very sweet woman, but it might be in her best interest to keep the details of her toe fungus scare to a dull roar.
THE SCREENWRITER IN THE CORNER
There’s always that one guy in the corner, aggressively typing away on his computer. We assume he’s writing some sort of epic screenplay, because he’s there for what seems like hours on end. This cool dude is usually an art school graduate, sporting glasses and ’80s-style headphones that make him look like the extra smart and creative type. We’ve never heard him talk though, which makes him super intriguing. Sometimes awkward eye contact is made, and we can just feel the awesomeness radiating from his corner. Now is it too much to ask for him to buy another drink? The guy clearly has trust fund.
THE CUSTOMER WITH A ‘TUDE
When you walk into your corner coffee joint, there’s a big chance most people waiting in line are a tad cranky. Why? Lack of caffeine is a major mood buster. That’s why it’s always safe to keep to yourself before the on-edge lady in front of you ingests her large coffee with 3 extra shots of espresso. However, sometimes we lock eyes with this woman at the wrong moment, and she gives us major attitude for no reason whatsoever. Maybe she’s just having a bad day or her caffeine super-charger isn’t enough to lift the lady’s spirits. Either way, it’s best for us to mind our own business and keep on keepin’ on.
THE BUSINESS GUY ON HIS CELL PHONE
Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell! Our next character comes in the form of a well-to-do Wall Street man. He’s the guy who needs a break from the office, so he’s brought the office to the table right next to ours. A laptop, IPhone and Blackberry are set beside his two cups of steamin’ hot joe as he’s conducting some pretty serious business from his Bluetooth. You know, that thing that makes him look like he’s talking to us, but he’s actually talking to Mike what’s-his-face back at the office. He’s on technology and caffeine overload, and we have a slight inkling he’d cool down a bit if he just loosened that tie a little.
THE ADORABLE OLDER PERSON
It turns out not all coffee house dwellers are annoying. In fact, our last person could easily make up for all the others! Say hello to the adorable older person. No really, say hello to that ridiculously cute grandma or grandpa who sits and observes the surrounding shenanigans while sipping on a plain cup of coffee. We can always count on this one person to give us the most charming smile just because, and our day is a little brighter because of it. Basically, the world needs more adorable old people in coffee shops. Just not near the cream and sugar. Oldsters take forever when we’re in a hurry.