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‘The Canyons’ Gets a Retro Teaser Trailer That Isn’t Making Us Feel Any Better About It

Canyons/Prettybird/Sodium Fox

Author and noted eccentric Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader have been working to put the finishing touches on ‘The Canyons,’ their crowd-funded drama starring Lindsay Lohan and porn star James Deen, and now you can (sort of) see what those crazy kids have been up to with the first official teaser trailer.

‘The Canyons’ is a crowd-funded, micro-budget, modern-noir indie that follows the intersecting lives of some young pretty people in LA as they navigate fame, sex, and other stuff that Bret Easton Ellis writes about a lot — we’re assuming there’s some weird violence going on somewhere, too, particularly when the group of 20-somethings encounter a mysterious person from their past who threatens to destroy everything. It’s all very sexy and greasy and filled with the worst parts of human nature, like paranoia and betrayal and Lindsay Lohan’s cry-face.

We’re feeling a little skeptical about the cast, which features the aforementioned Lohan, who hasn’t turned in a solid performance since ‘Mean Girls’ (there’s still time to prove us wrong, and we hope you will) and James Deen, the most popular porn star on the planet (for the next 20 minutes or so) and the guy who’s responsible for getting more women to watch and appreciate porn — so basically he’s a hero to every man who has had to make up ridiculous folder names on his computer in which to hide his weird porn from his significant other’s prying eyes.

While Deen is certainly, ahem, talented in many ways, we’re a little concerned about his legitimate acting chops. This teaser doesn’t feature any dialogue, which doesn’t help convince us, and the bizarre use of a retro-grindhouse vibe and that silly music isn’t shedding a light on the tone of this whole thing — a noir film with a grindhouse trailer starring a porn star and a tabloid fodder machine? What is this? It kind of looks like a trainwreck of the highest order, and yeah, okay, we’re sort of into that.

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