The Weirdest ‘Twilight’ Merchandise
Sure, there’s tons of weird merchandise out there for fans of various geek franchises to buy. However, ‘Twilight‘ fans take the cake with the following items that beg the question: why were these things even created in the first place?
1. Edward Body Pillow
Snuggle up to the horribly-made Edward Cullen body pillow as you re-watch the movies in anticipation of seeing ‘Breaking Dawn: Part Two’ in the movie theaters! Dubbed the “manllow” on Etsy, we can’t figure out as to why anyone would want Edward’s brooding visage in their room nor why they would shell out $15 on such a thing. You could buy a book with that money, people!
2. Edward Wall Decal
If you’re a fan of creepy sparkling vampires who will obsessively stalk your every move, this is the Christmas present for you! As for us, we can’t figure out why anyone would want RPattz’s shadow plastered to their wall. Plus if you ever want to paint your room, what are you going to do? It looks difficult to remove from the wall.
3. Bella’s Womb
Someone created a felt version of Bella’s womb, complete with a removable fetus version of her daughter Renesmee. We just have one question: why on Earth would anyone want to own such a thing? What would you do with it anyway? Frame it?
4. Jasper Dean Doll
For $115, a fan-created doll of “Jasper Dean” — who is the fan-created son of Jasper and Alice Cullen — can be yours. We’ll pass on that creepy thing though. It might come to life and kill us all in our sleep a la ‘Chucky’. Then we’d have to kill it with fire.
5. Edward Cullen Shower Curtain
Who doesn’t want Edward Cullen’s giant head creepily staring at you while you shower? Apparently, ‘Twilight’ fan girls are a-okay with RPattz’s brooding visage greeting them in the morning as they bathe. Personally, we’ll pass.
6. Cullen Crest Bra
We can’t figure out as to why anyone would want to buy a bra with a crest smack dab in the middle. Wouldn’t that be painful to wear, ladies? Plus, it just looks tacky! We’ll stick to our Calvin Klein bras, thanks. Much more comfortable to wear, after all.
7. Edward Panties
Perhaps one of the weirdest items on the list, someone has actually created underwear with RPattz’s brooding stare on the front. What ups the “ick” factor for us is that on the inside of the crotch area is a cropped picture of RPatt’s face. Just…why? It is so wrong and just mind-bendingly horrifying. Pass us the brain bleach, please!
8. Reusable ‘Twilight’ Baby Diapers
Because after all, you want to introduce your little one to the Cult of the Sparklepire from a young age. We sincerely hope that this would be a gag gift for the holidays, but with some fans, you never know. Those poor, poor children. Why anyone would proudly display their poor child in such clothing, we’ll never understand; especially since you know they’re going to get teased endlessly about it if anyone ever sees a picture of it. We hope they burn those diapers when they are old enough to understand the horror that is ‘Twilight.’
9. Jacob Black’s Ashes
In the eternal battle between “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward,” a fangirl who is clearly on the side of Edward Cullen came up with a charming way to make some dough: a vial full of Jacob’s ashes. While the shirt-hating furry werewolf never dies in the series much to the chagrin of the raging RPattz fangirls, they’ve found a creative way to vent their hatred for poor Taylor Lautner’s character — the pendant has ashes and plush fur in a tiny glass vial that’s adorned with a wolf charm. We hope neither Robert nor Taylor ever see this Etsy listing, because we’re certain it would make them run screaming into the night.
10. Edward Cullen Plush Cat
While there’s been countless jokes that Twi-fans will wind up being crazy cat ladies because they’re too wrapped up in looking for their perfect Edward Cullen-esque man (who doesn’t exist, may we add), some fan decided to create a plush feline form of their favorite sparklepire. We’re not sure why: maybe it’s a joke about Jake being a dog and Edward would have to be a cat? Cats and dogs, as everyone knows, don’t mix. We’re not sure, but someone bought this miniature felt atrocity. If they have a significant other, we sincerely hope that they didn’t give it to them as a birthday or holiday gift. If they did, can we say “awkward”? Why yes. Yes, we can.